Apple TV+ Pee-wee Herman brought us to the basement of the Alamo;Guy Ritchie'snew globe-trotting quest brings us to the basement of the Great Pyramids. And I think after watching both movies, most people will agree to stick with Pee-wee. On paper, Apple TV+'sFountain of Youthseems like a fun idea: a mix ofNational TreasureandThe Mummywith a bickeringJohn KrasinskiandNatalie Portmanas brother-and-sister tomb raiders. That right there — the sibling connection instead of typical on-again/off-again partners in romance — is proof that at some point during this film's gestation, there was a hope to create something original. Unfortunately, there is an uncanny lack of urgency in the film. The characterizations are flat, the would-be quippy dialogue rarely elicits laughs, and the action sequences seldom rise above the level of satisfactory. Ritchie's closing credits boast a production that went around the world — Thailand, Austria, Egypt, and more. A lot of effort went into this, but the movie still feels like a light snack instead of a full meal. We open with Krasinski's Luke Purdue evading baddies in Bangkok on a scooter, a leather pouch slung over his shoulder. He's stolen a painting and, as bullets whiz past his head, he's on his earpiece to his hacker sidekick (Laz Alonso), helping him find an escape route. (Gee, Indiana Jones never needed one of those.) Dan Smith/Apple TV+ When he thinks he's made it to safety, he discovers someoneelseon his trail, a tracker played byEiza Gonzálezwhose mission seems to be to stop Luke from whatever he's doing, but also, somehow, to protect him. (She exudes Ardeth Bey vibes fromThe Mummy, with some secret, sacred protection mission.) Once Luke is free, he's off to London, because his scheme needs his sister Charlotte (Portman). The problem is that she's given up the family's adventuring past and taken a stable job as "the curator" (as if there is just one) at the National Gallery in Trafalgar Square. Luke yoinks a Rembrandt off her wall, ensuring she loses her job (truly a jerk move), but this at least gets her attention. The reason for all these thefts? As inThe Da Vinci Code, there are secrets in the masterpieces, and if you collect them all, you'll find the next clue to the location of the Fountain of Youth. (And here you thought it was in Florida.) But Luke and his team (which also includes Carmen Ejogo) can only take things so far. They need Charlotte's keen mind to connect the dots. Funding the exposition is the zillionaire Owen Carver (Domhnall Gleeson), a chipper gent who we discover is dying of cancer, so he needs to drink from this fountain ASAP. The hidden clues soon take them on a wild goose chase. The first stop is the Lusitania, which has been at the bottom of the ocean for a century. But Owen has the dough to raise the ship up from the depths so they can do a little plundering. After a big, wet fight scene — González and her gun-carrying crew show up — the next clue leads them to the Austrian National Library, an ornate structure that, naturally, is rife with hidden rooms. Each step toward reaching the cockamamie goal gets increasingly dangerous, and Charlotte keeps threatening to tap out. Especially since she's got her kid tagging along. But Luke knows that she yearns for a life of thrills, and no matter how many risks he takes, she does, indeed, keep coming back. Christopher Raphael/Apple TV+ And here's where I say that, for me, Krasinski, whom I usually like, kinda fumbles the ball. Being a careless jackass but also irresistibly charming is a tough needle to thread. (Believe me, my wife reminds me!) Not everyone can pull this off. As I watchedFountain of Youth,I kept thinking, "They should have gotten Jon Hamm." Portman does her best, too, but the part is written as a bit of a weakling. Her big joke is saying "no way I'm doing that!" and then we cut to her doing that. It's a gag that worked onI Love Lucy, but I don't know how much it works today. It's a shame because it's been a very long time since Portman has given a good performance in a successful mainstream film. Don't get me wrong, she's done some substantial work in the last 10 years —JackieandPlanetariumandAnnihilationandMay Decembercome to mind — but theStar Warsprequels and the first round of MCU pictures were her last monster hits, and she deserves more. The movie ends exactly how you think it's going to end, but there's a strange tonal mismatch in the film's third act. Portman's dopey kid (I'm pretty sure he's wearing shorts) takes more of the spotlight as the movie begins to rely on special effects. And yet all the other factions — not just the "protectors" and Thai mob, but Interpol, too — are blazing their machine guns at one another, racking up a body count. It's like the movie doesn't know whether to break PG or R, so it does both. If you were a 13-year-old in 1990, dropped off at the mall multiplex with Milk Duds money,Fountain of Youthwould be a big win. Today, with infinite options on other streaming platforms, not to mention video games, it's hard to imagine that too many people will be gulping this one down.Grade: C Read the original article onEntertainment Weekly
